This is My December
by Trayne
Summary: It was too late. His choice had already been made. For the benefit of all of them- for the benefit of that one... little hint of romance, one-shot songfic.


Um, this wasn't planned on or anything... I guess I had a bad urge to do another songfic, and the holiday season was as good a reason as any to go ahead and write this. I'm thinking of this more as a poem, since I've never actually heard the song...

I can't really say when this takes place, 'cause I don't know my damn self... It does have to do with my other fic that features this character, and I'm not naming who is being to referred to, since it could be one of two people... You can just make your own assumptions.

This is also sort of written in the same format as MHIDIW (which I realize, now that I've gone back and looked over it, kind of sucked. I may rewrite it for V-day), so the lyrics are contained within the slash marks. So, go ahead and enjoy this late present from me...

But I must warn you, anyone sensitive to their beliefs may be a wee bit offended by something mentioned near the beginning. (Do I seem to have a habit of doing that in song-fics or what?) So, no complaining, because I warned you...

Disclaimer: Digimon and all related characters belongs to Toei, and the featured song to Linkin Park.

My December

Why was it always so quiet when it snowed? Did the crystalline flakes cast some sort of spell on the world? A Winter Wonderland, yeah, that's what just about anyone would call it, in homage to the popular American song. Many would probably see it as a land of wonder when the white powder covered everything in what would sparkle like millions of miniature diamonds whenever light hit them, and the bright decorations that covered the city would only add to the spectacle, especially at night. But for him... It didn't remind him of any wonderland. More like a wasteland, a frozen hell. Must be why he felt so at home, in a way, here. It was his time, his "special" month, and he hated it.

_This is my December,_

_This is my time of the year._

Hate?

That was what he wanted to describe it as. He wanted to say that he hated the cold, the snow, the decorations, everything that made that made this month unique. He wanted to say that he hated the way how everything was embellished so lavishly- supposedly in honor of the event in the religion that wasn't even practiced widely in this country- to cover up what was otherwise a cold, unforgiving month. He wanted to say that... because it reminded him of himself. He couldn't. There was no point. He knew now what the truth, the sad truth, was, and there was no use in complaining or lamenting over it. So, he said nothing, only choosing to stare listlessly as the petals of frost made their slow, lazy descent to earth.

_This is my December..._

_This is all so clear._

Yes, everything was like crystal, like his eyes must have been like so long ago. Though frequently shadows covered them, not much was revealed when the dark veil was lifted. His eyes had always been so clear, but not from purity. They were always able to see the true horrors of the world and the reality of his life too easily. They were clear like glass, like ice. Ice... He was always told they were like ice, cold and unrelenting. Merciless... They were always right.

_This is my December,_

_This is my snow-covered home._

He would try to forget how welcome he was here. Welcome? What was there to welcome him? If he wasn't in the darkness that forever surrounded him, hounding him with demons in his dreams, then he was here. In this pale, forgotten place. He could never figure out "where" exactly "here" was. Did it exist somewhere in one of the worlds, or was it spawned from his own subconscious? Whatever the case, it was always empty, yet there was no darkness that sometimes wrapped around him in an almost motherly manner, like Leto of the Dark Robe herself, giving him solace in the shadows. Just a vast, white emptiness, with only those fragile flakes to keep him company. It didn't help. It never did. He had once made an attempt to catch one, and it didn't even melt in his touch. But how could one snowflake ease his sorrows in this place? It had only proved that he was like them. It was too cold here... and he was beyond frozen. He would never melt in this place, and like the snow he had no choice but to remain...

_This is my December..._

_This is me alone._

With whom? No one. Whose fault was that? His, naturally.

_And I..._

_Just wish that..._

_I didn't feel..._

_Like there was_

_Something I missed._

It had been his choice to see to that. Whether or not it was the right one he would never be sure, but he knew that he could not escape what was now part of him. He knew what he would have to endure, and he had wanted to do it alone. If anyone else knew... If anyone else got in his way, he knew they would only get hurt. He was the cause of so much of the grief of the ones he had once cared about...

Once cared about?

Didn't he still care?

He knew he did, but did not want to believe. He didn't want to care. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have to feel that tight squeeze in his chest that reminded him that he was still living, breathing, suffering. He had wanted to die, since he couldn't find a point to living if it had to be this way. But he knew 'they' would never allow that, allow him to cowardly abandon this earthly "life" when he was still their most valuable weapon.

He didn't want to believe because there would be no reason to believe after "that". He wanted to forget how she had looked at him when he told her it could never be, what they had been trying for years to find in each other. He wanted to not remember how he had crushed what little hope she had acquired when she had realized she may finally have what she had been deprived of her whole life.

He wanted, so badly, to forget that he had finally succeeded in what he had been warned of those few years ago. He had finally shattered her.

But, she had some knowledge of what he was being put through... She had wanted to, and had told him, that she would stay by him, no matter what. Just how much did she know? Could it have been different? Had he made a mistake? Was there something he had overlooked?

If there was, was it too late to find it among the shards that remained of her?

Against his wishes, he knew he was feeling something... Regret.

_And I..._

_Take back all_

_The things I said_

_To make you _

_Feel like that._

But he was a warrior! Their warrior, yes, but a fighter nonetheless! Sure, it made more sense to just roll over and die, but it was never that simple. Even if he could have done that, he knew he never would. It just wasn't like him. He knew he would resist. He rarely had hope, and it was pointless to call them "dreams", but he had his will and determination. He always had, and always would. He had been determined to keep her from their grasp, for she belonged to him, and him alone. For her, he would have done anything, and did. Because he needed to, because he wanted to.

And right now, he wanted to grasp those few words that had broken her and toss them to the wind. He wanted to go back and mend her. To never let her experience that crushing anguish, that they had only just repaired from the damage they caused over the years, again.

_And I..._

_Just wish that..._

_I didn't feel..._

_Like there was_

_Something I missed._

He was fighting, but with himself, which he rarely did. Part of him wanted to let go, to go back to that barren place which was like a heavy dose of morphine, where he would become so numb he just wouldn't be able to feel this remorse. Like there was something just out of his reach, like a feather, that he just couldn't quite grasp.

_And I..._

_Take back all the_

_Things I said to you._

The other part still wanted to hold on to the place outside that wasteland. It still wanted to take those words and tear them apart as savagely as a wolf, until they were so indiscernible that it would be as if they never existed. Like an attempted letter that could be crumpled up and tossed away or shredded, never to be read or worried about again.

_And I give it all away..._

_Just to have somewhere _

_To go to._

He wanted to side with that rebellious- that ever rebellious- part of him. He wanted only this rare strength that came from himself, and not "it". Though he knew it was weaker- he knew he would always be weak, for that was all he ever was- this was what he wanted. He would willingly- oh, so willingly- give all of that other power away, just to leave this place. He was always here, and wanted to leave so badly. This place seemed to have been made for him, but it wasn't his home. Where was the welcome? Who was here to welcome him? This place was nowhere, and there was only one place he wanted to go to, one place he wanted to stay in for eternity.

_Give it all away..._

_To have someone_

_To come home to._

He was just their puppet, an empty shell. He wanted to be whole again. He wanted to go home, where his heart lay. Not in this barren, cold apartment, but with them, the few who had not quite abandoned him.

With her. Where he would not be cold. Where he could feel warmth once again.

_This is my December,_

_These are my snow-covered dreams._

_This is me pretending_

_This is all I need._

All too soon, this fantasy began to fade. Who was he kidding? Had he forgotten just who exactly he was? What he had become to them? It was like he had dug through the snow and found a tiny sprout that had grown despite the chill. This wasn't the time for it. There would still be winter for too long a time for it to truly develop. It would struggle, but inevitably wither and die. Nothing could resist against this bitter weather.

Two damaged hearts could not resist it either, could they? It would only claim her as well if they even tried, to punish him for denying his fate. He knew, anyway, that he could not live on just their pitiful strength alone. He could not forget what lay beyond the delicate sanctuary of her embrace.

He wasn't a child anymore. This was no time for pretend.

_And I..._

_Just wish that..._

_I didn't feel..._

_Like there was_

_Something I missed._

He shouldn't even try... But she had, didn't she? After he had delivered the final blow, didn't she part those cherished lips to try and say something? But he had already turned around, was already leaving her, and never gave her a chance. What would she have suggested?

And should he have tried to listen?

_And I..._

_Take back all_

_The things I said_

_To make you _

_Feel like that._

Should he have? Would he have listened? Had he not wanted to believe that there could have been another way?

Not again... Not this regret. He didn't want to make her break... Really, he didn't want to...

_And I..._

_Just wish that..._

_I didn't feel..._

_Like there was_

_Something I missed._

That chance... It had been fluttering in front of him, just waiting to be caught... But he never even reached out his hand...

_And I..._

_Take back all the_

_Things I said to you._

If only... If only he could take it all back. Just erase it from both of their minds...

_And I give it all away..._

_Just to have somewhere _

_To go to._

If only... If only he could throw it all away and go back to how it had been, in that once upon a time that seemed centuries ago.

_Give it all away..._

_To have someone_

_To come home to._

He was a rebel. It was in his nature, and he wanted to go back to them- all of them! But if they weren't willing to welcome him back, he knew he could at least go back to her.

_This is my December,_

_This is my time of the year._

_This is my December..._

_This is all so clear_

He could see past the cursed snow and the decor that polluted everyone's mind but his. The crystals... no, those orbs of ice, were relieved of their shadowy cloaks, and they could see what lay in plain view, just beyond the glass...

_And I give it all away..._

_Just to have somewhere _

_To go to._

_Give it all away..._

_To have someone_

_To come home to._

If he could toss all of it back into the dark, hellish pits they must have emerged from, he could see just what he wanted. The fragile, but safe, sanctuary of her. That warmth that he would wrap himself in, through the bright days he never wanted part of, through the dark nights that would plague him, and never let go.

_And I give it all away..._

_Just to have somewhere _

_To go to._

It was too late. His choice had already been made. For the benefit of all of them- for the benefit of that one- he had to abandon his one wish... and it lay just beyond that sheet of glass. He doubted that he would ever be let through. He could only watch, without useless wishes, without hope. But if he could- if only he could, but they would never, ever, let him- he knew what he would do... What he no longer had the freedom to do...

_Give it all away..._

_To have someone_

_To come home to..._


End file.
